HELP I'M BEING SWERVED OFF THE ROAD BY A HYPER RABID SUGAR HIGH FIVE YEAR OLD VERSION OF MYSELF
Today I did nothing. I mean absolutely nothing. I found every possible diversion from my computer science problem set and international relations homework. I veged out. I practiced the jive, when I no longer go to ballroom dance rehearsals. I watched clips from Diary of the Wimpy Kid Movies. I played Oregon Trail. I’m still playing, currently I have around 100-200 pounds of food and am somewhere in Wyoming.
I absolutely despise the fact that I did nothing. I keep reading about conscientiousness and how poor and fat people have low conscientiousness and worry about how at the rate of conscientiousness I am at right now I might end up as a poor fatso in the projects, as much as my darling boyfriend reassures me otherwise. I don’t know how to deal with my abysmal levels of conscientiousness. I’ve heard it’s not something that you can really change, but I’ve also heard that you have will power. Is conscientiousness will power? I mean how pathetic is it that you can’t follow instructions that your brain gives you. You after all are supposed to be in the driver’s seat in your life. However, there’s another part of you that’s the equivalent of a child reaching over taking your arms and making you swerve off the road and crash into a tree. The lack of conscientiousness, or how I define it, is essentially that. You, the rational part of you, are being swerved off the road by the hyper rabid feral sugar high five year old child version of your self. Mind you, this is a very strong five year old. As much as you try to wrestle the wheel away from this grubby handed child he maintains his iron grip while screaming at the top of his lungs.
Of course this is all in my head, but as people like to say, most struggles are in your head. I’m reminded of this painting my either Annibale or Ludovico Carracci where Hercules is met with the decision to choose an arduous and jagged path up a craggy mountain or the life of ease and idleness in a field. Virtue stands and points up the mountain and Vice in a diaphanous dress showing off her voluptuous curves holds a harp and attempts to lure Hercules away from a life of glory. Unfortunately, Vice seems to be winning right now. Life, however, continues to move. I know it’s a series of choices and there are always more choices you can make to change your path. However, the ability to make such choices requires conscientiousness, to delay the pleasure of today so that it may be augmented tomorrow. I fear that I don’t have enough of such ability and that I’m doomed to a life of degeneration.
My boyfriend tells me that it’s difficult, but still possible to overcome a lack of conscientiousness. It’s a constant fight with yourself. The problem is I don’t want to fight with myself. I know that it’s necessary because there are higher goals I want to pursue. I want to be a lawyer, a professor, a senior fellow at the Heritage Foundation, a wife, and/or a mother of multiple children who are also doctors, lawyers, senior fellows at major think tanks, or at least spirited and curious people who love to learn and do hard things. I want to do hard things and I want the glory and acclaim that comes with them. I have to acknowledge, however, that I currently don’t want to do the work that comes with them. It’s all a matter of what I value. Do I value my comfort or do I value honor and glory? I want to say that I value the latter, but clearly my actions are saying the former.
I’m aware that I’m a gifted girl. I’m not stupid nor am I average. I’m above average, but below exceptional. That’s what gets to me. I’m so close and I could be something great, but I’m not there. That’s what my entire childhood and adult life has felt like. I was a very good violinist, but not great. I got very good grades in high school, but fell short of the top 10%. I scored in the 98th percentile of the SAT and not the 99th. My IQ is around 120, but not 130+. I’m aware IQ only does so much and it’s not even a great measure of anything, it’s the best out of many worse alternatives for measuring intelligence. However, I want a 130+ IQ. I want to be naturally and effortlessly great at something. I look around me and I see so many people doing things effortlessly.
I see people who care about stuff or at least aren’t lazing around and wasting their time and I then see myself doing nothing, or even worse actively destroying my brain by endlessly scrolling on Instagram. I desperately want to be functional again. I want to be like my past self where I was obsessively learning about some niche topic and getting my school work done on time. It’s just that there’s something in my brain that’s blocking me from doing it. It’s not uncommon for me to read something and come away with absolutely no understanding of what was said. I remember back in high school, I used to be able to read real books, academic books, once and come away with a decent understanding of the gist and details. This girl has sadly taken a one way ticket to I don’t know where and is now gone.